I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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