Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
