First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
