then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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