Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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