Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
