i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
