Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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