I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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