I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
