Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
