It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
