8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
