He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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