you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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