Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
