You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
