i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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