dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
