We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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