She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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