I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize