That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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