i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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