Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
