one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't deserve a penis
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
