unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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