how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
