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is your mom at the bar?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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