if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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