I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
