1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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