Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
