My sheets look like a crime scene.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
