explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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