my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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