Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
