I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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