i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize