the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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