I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
