What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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