just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize