Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
