Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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