weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
