Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
