Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
