So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
