I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
