Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
