just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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