got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
