Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
