The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
