after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
