I think my vagina is haunted
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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