pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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