1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
