ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize