I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
