Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
