On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
