After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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