Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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