The maid of honor just puked.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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