Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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