someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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