So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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