my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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