overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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