new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
