Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
